I lay on my bed for hours, not moving, just thinking things over in my mind. Sam had texted me about half an hour after I had left Cara;
I'm outside Jak's, Cara's telling them. She told me you two argued more. Think we ought to back off; don't want her in a worse state before the op.
I had replied simply with okay and I didn’t hear anything back after I had sent that text. The truth was that I wasn’t okay; things just didn’t seem to be right. Cara was independent but when push came to shove she would always let others in so that they could help but this time it was different. Cara seemed to be going into self destruct mode and she was pushing everyone she loved away including her best friend and her girlfriend.
I just felt so helpless and I hated it. I didn’t know what to do anymore, it was as though I wasn’t needed anymore and because of that I was being shut out. To an extent I could understand why Cara was doing it, if she didn’t want my help was it really my place to force it on her anymore? I was her best friend but that just didn’t matter anymore. Cara seemed to have made up her mind that she didn’t want me to get tested and if she didn’t want me to get tested, what ground did I have to say otherwise, other than to say that I want to help her.
Surely however, all her friends will want to get tested and surely she will relent if enough of us persist? I just didn’t know anymore.
I grabbed my phone and texted Megan,
Hey Meg, I don’t suppose you could come over could you? I could do with a cuddle. X
I sent the text and within minutes I got a reply,
Sure babe, what’s wrong? x
I’ll tell you when you get here x - I replied quickly before slumping down on my pillows again.
She arrived within ten minutes, letting herself in with the spare key and hurrying up the stairs.
“Hey Anna, what’s wrong?” she said speeding into the room and enveloping me into a hug, to which I responded by breaking down into tears. I pulled her closer, scared that if I let her go she would drift away like Cara was.
“Babe, you’re worrying me now, what’s the matter?”
“Its Cara,” I sobbed, pulling Megan closer to me whilst trying to calm down at the same time, I wanted to explain everything to Megan without bawling my eyes out. I pulled out of the hug and looked at Megan, who was looking at me with wide, worried eyes.
“What’s up with Cara?” Megan asked calmly, taking hold of my hands and stroking them with her thumb.
“She’s ill, seriously ill Megan.”
“It’s her kidney’s Megan, they are failing.” I said my voice shaking as I tried to hold it together.
“Oh babe,” she said, mortified by it and pulling me into a hug but I pulled out of it almost instantly.
“And the worst bit of it is, she doesn’t want any of us being tested, she is pushing everyone away and not letting anyone help her. I feel so helpless Megan, I mean she is my best friend and she is seriously ill, yet she won’t let us help. I don’t think I could stand it if she…”
“Hey! Don’t even say it Anna, she is not going to die, she will pull through, all her friends will be right by her side.”
“They are putting her on a kidney dialysis until they can find a donor, Sam and I have already offered but she is adamant that she doesn’t even want us to be tested. When I was ill she helped me find my feet again, she picked me back up and that’s all I want to do Megan, but she is pushing me away and I just feel so lost.
“Oh Anna,” she said pulling me closer and kissing my forehead affectionately. “All you can do is be there for her and be the best friend she knows you to be. I know you and Sam and god knows who else will want to get tested to try and help her but it’s her decision in the end. It’s a hard decision for everyone offering to give up a kidney for her but an even harder decision for Cara, knowing that she would be putting someone else’s life in danger if she allowed them to donate their kidney.
“I get where you are coming from, why you have to be so logical!”
“Because I just am,” Megan said.
“ I still hate that fact that I feel so lost because she is pushing us all away, that’s so selfish of me isn’t it?”
“No, it’s natural to feel like that, she’s your best friend and you naturally love your best friend.”
“Which is why I want to help her in any way I can.”