I wasn't sure what time it was. I wasn't even sure if it was day or night. I felt like I'd been buried in my pillow for so long, it could have been a week, but when I raised my head and looked at the clock it was seven in the evening. I groaned and felt Sam stir against me.
"What's wrong, are you ok?"
She was silent and I turned around and snuggled in to her. The light was still coming through the curtains, a warm August sun that didn't seem to quite reach my skin. I felt chilled, and even as Sam's arms encircled me carefully I didn't feel entirely warm. There was a difference now; Sam was being careful with me. Too careful. I felt breakable, and I hadn't felt like that when I was hiding everything. I'd been in control then.
"Are you mad I didn't tell you?"
I felt her sigh against me and closed my eyes against the skin of her chest. She was mad.
"I'm not mad. I'm... I don't know. I wish you had told me. I wish I could have been there for you."
"You can be. Tomorrow. Come with me."
"Of course I'm coming with you." She kissed the top of my head gently and snuggled closer.
"We've been in bed all day." She murmured.
"Not in the usual way." I tried, smiling. "Maybe we should at least make it count..." I slipped my hand down her waist and over her hips but she stopped me.
"Cara baby, aren't you tired?"
I frowned and looked up at her.
"No. Why would I be?" I saw the look on her face and rolled my eyes. "Sam we were having sex for weeks without a problem when I was ill."
"But now you know it's so serious..."
"Please, don't Sam. I don't want to think about it till tomorrow. I want to spend this night with you..."
"I don't want to hurt you." She murmured, her eyes sad.
"You won't." I kissed her. "Don't you think I'd tell you if you were?"
"I don't know."
"Come on baby. Please?"
"Can't we just have one night where I just hold you?"
"What? Suddenly because I'm ill you don't want to do what we've been doing basically every night since-"
"Cara I can't talk about this right now." She rolled away and sat on the edge of the bed, head in hands.
"You can't talk about it? YOU can't talk about it?" I cried, sitting up. "Are you serious right now?"
"Don't do this Cara..."
"I'm ill Sam, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't carry on like we would any other time..."
"This isn't any other time." She finished. I stopped and looked at her back, hunched over. I felt my shoulders shrug and then I was crying again. It only took a few seconds before I felt her hands on my shoulders. "Cara baby.... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I mean..."
I was kissing her and she was letting me. For a moment I felt bad; I knew it was basically emotional blackmail but I needed her to kiss me, I needed her to trace patterns against my skin, to breath in my ear how much she loved me...
"Cara baby slow down..." She murmured, taking my face in her hands and pushing it away gently. "She stroked my hair from my face. "Your hair's getting long."
"I like it." I muttered, straining for her lips again. "Kiss me."
"Cara, can you at least let me take it slow with you?"
"How slow?" I replied.
"For my own peace of mind, let me be careful?" I groaned and she rolled her eyes. "Cara I just want to make sure you're not tired for tomorrow."
"Don't try and guilt trip me Cara. Please, don't. It's not that I don't want to... I just don't want to hurt you."
"You won't." I smiled and kissed her again.
"You're making this difficult for me."
"Because it's not difficult for me?" I replied, and watched her face droop. I sighed. "I'm sorry. I just... I want to feel normal again."
"Then come back to bed and we'll talk, and we'll cuddle..."
I sighed and nodded, suddenly feeling tired. Those few minutes were crazy and the emotions I was getting swamped with were just... exhausting. I lay back down and Sam followed me, smiling at me.
"You're so beautiful." She murmured.
"No I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
"So sleep baby." She kissed my forehead and pulled me in close, wrapping an arm around me. "Sleep."
"I'm sorry for being a bitch."
"You're not a bitch. You're ill and tired. Go to sleep love. Tomorrow we'll sort everything out."
I nodded, exhausted, and curled in to her body. She was warm and soft, comforting, and soon, I slept.