Mrs Gramms didn’t stay long after Cara stormed out, she gave me a soft smile before turning on her heel and following her daughter out of the room. I could understand why Cara was pissed off; I would be if my mother didn’t have anything nice to say about her relationship choice. I sunk into my bed sheets and sighed, looking up at the ceiling and letting my mind wander freely and peruse my thoughts.
As the saying goes, you never truly stop loving your true love but when there is no way that it will happen then you have to put all your emotions for that person to the back of your mind and try and suppress them. And that’s what I had to do with Cara. No matter how much I told her that I loved her and how much I cared, her feelings were just not mutual. I knew that she loved me as her best friend but that’s all we would ever be, she was going on holiday with Sam for goodness sake which would no doubt make her bond with Sam stronger. The relationship I could have had with Cara was scuppered when I overreacted and ran away from a misunderstanding and I had to accept that and move on.
Now that my first year was coming to a close, I figured that it was a good time to re-evaluate some of the things happening in my life. Some of the things which needed to be resolved.
I picked up my laptop from the floor by the hospital bed and turned it on. Since I had some time on my hands I figured that I should write these resolutions so to speak down. I hadn’t updated my blog in a while so I figured that a good way to get these problems out there so I had no excuse not to rectify them would be to post them on there for the whole world to see.
I logged onto my blog and hit the new post button.
I stopped for a moment, unsure about how to structure this blog post, where to take it and how best to write it. In the end I decided to just write from the heart and hope that the words would just come to me.
Title: Mid Year Resolutions
I have made some stupid mistakes in my time, mistakes which I have learned from and others that I keep falling into the same pit holes and making the mistakes over and over again. My most current stupid mistake landed me in hospital. I stopped eating. Why you may ask? Because of a girl, a girl I can never have because of another stupid mistake I made. An overreaction.
I know that some people find me a little overbearing, others a bit of a drama queen and one of those people who can’t cope and I don’t want to be portrayed as that anymore. I want to stand on my own two feet and move in a forward direction and not keep going around in endless circles. My life so far seems to be problem after problem with no solution at hand.
I am now back on speaking terms with the girl who I wanted but could never have again, and I want it to remain that way. She is in a happy relationship and who am I to spoil that? She has her life and I have mine and I need to get on with mine and stop prying into hers.
I need to focus more on university work for the next academic year and become less dramatic. I seem to rely heavily on my friends and its time to release some of that pressure and hold my own. I need to stop falling apart at every little thing and try and be more independent. I’m sure people would appreciate that more.
The girl I hurt by making her choose me or her girlfriend is someone I will always love but know I will have to deject those feelings and become her best friend once more. I know I haven’t been acting like her best friend, especially by turning my back on her and forcing her to choose So from here on out starts a new chapter in my life. A better chapter.
I stopped typing and read through what I had written. Writing from my heart seemed to work, it was deep and meaningful without being depressing and it conveyed what I wanted it to convey.
I pressed the post button and opened my thoughts up for the whole world to read and comment on. I used to update by blog quite a lot when I was younger with funny posts and pictures, Cara had made a blog just so she could look and comment on mine and some of her other friends but she was never into writing her own blog.
I clicked onto Cara’s blog to check the last time she had been online and it said that she had last been online fourteen days ago. I gathered she still liked to check the blogs when she had some spare time on her hands but there was still no blog post from her.
It was then I realised how much I needed to change, how much this change would benefit not just me but everyone. I was hurting the one person I cared for most and I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to be her best friend again and the person she could rely on. Not become someone she hated because I was meddling in her relationship. True Sam never really grew on me and I didn’t think that Cara and Sam suited each other but could I truly hate the girl that made Cara the happiest that she has been in a long time? Was it fair of me?
My battery light flashed and I decided to turn my laptop off and let it charge for a while, I was getting hungry by now and a smiling nurse was passing.
“Excuse me….” I said, sitting up on my elbows, so that I could make eye contact with the nurse who’s name badge now read Katy.
“Yes lovely?” she asked smiling,
“Would I be able to have some food? Soup or something?”
“Let me check your file…” Katy said picking up my file which was sitting on the table at the end of my bed. She pulled out a pair of designer reading glasses which were black rimmed and square in shape apart from the corners being rounded.
“ According to this you are allowed soft food so soup is fine, what type?”
“Mulligatawny, if you have any or just plain tomato otherwise” I said with a smile.
Katy smiled back at me but did not move, she appeared lost in thought for a second, “I used to date a gi…. somebody who liked Mulligatawny soup, strange things coincidences, you never know where they will crop up next!” Katy said with a soft chuckle before walking away.