I felt awful for hurting Ali, the expression on her face made it clear that I had just shattered her world, shattered her hopes and I felt horrible for doing so but I couldn’t lie to her. I couldn’t go on letting her believe that my feelings for Ali were mutual when they weren’t. I cared for Ali, I had grown to care for her as a friend despite getting off on the wrong foot to start with but trying to force myself to love someone I didn’t was too hard.
"Oh thank god, I thought I'd frightened you off!" I had said when Cara entered my bedroom, I had leaped off my bed and towards her but she had flinched away from me like I was something rotten, something she didn’t want anything to do with. And it hurt.
Cara explained that she did not have mutual feelings for me and she could not give my feelings any hope which felt as though someone had stabbed a dagger into my heart.
“Oh…” I breathed not knowing what else to say, I could feel tears welling in my eyes but I was determined not to let them fall, not to show her how much her rejection hurt. “But you did feel the same way once, before Ali, before Sam, we had a connection and I know I blew that chance by blowing things out of proportion but you can turn off your feelings for someone,” I countered, hoping against hope that she would see that.
“I did, but that ships sailed Anna, you have to accept that. Please don’t make me choose between our friendship and Sam,” Cara said before leaving the room.
I locked the door behind her and crumpled to the floor, sobbing silently. I didn’t want to make Cara choose of course I didn’t, but now I could see that given the choice Cara would choose Sam over her best friend. Whether Sam’s charm had clouded Cara’s judgement or whether Sam was actually genuine I couldn’t tell but i decided there and then that I couldn’t let my emotions spoil a friendship build up over years. If Cara loved Sam then I would stand by her.
I got to my feet, pushing my feelings for Cara to the back of my mind as I did so, saying over and over inside my head that Cara is nothing but a good friend and as long as I didn’t “give them any hope” to use Cara’s term they might just fritter away into nothingness.
I unlocked my door and headed downstairs, expecting a stony silence to be hanging in the air.