"But you love him! It's a good thing if you love him! Isn't it? You do... you do love him don't you?" Cara asked me, stroking my hair.
I did love him was the answer I wanted to give but then why did having sex with him feel so wrong, if I truly loved him then why was saying to Cara that I did so hard?
“I … don’t know” I stammered, fresh tears hot against my face, I swallowed and looked up at Cara, the tears in my eyes blurred her slightly but I could tell she looked concerned. She clasped my hands in hers and said in almost a whisper, so quiet I had to strain my ears to hear it.
“Anna, if you truly loved him, you wouldn’t be in this state, loving a person should not be this hard it should be natural, not forced.”
“I…” I began but I was overcome with another flood of tears which gave me time to think about what I was going to say next. I swallowed hard then tried again, “IthoughtI loved him but now I don’t know.”
“If you have any doubts Anna, don’t try and force yourself to love him if you don’t, you need to break up with him if it’s not working, it’s not only fair on him but on you as well” she said.
She was right of course, it made perfect sense, that night with Matt had made me see sense, he wasn’t right for me and I could see that now. Yeah we got on but there wasn’t really much of a spark between us, he had pressurized me if I was honest and now the thing I wanted back more than anything was gone and could never be restored, and it was all down to one stupid mistake!
“You’re right Cara” I said pulling her into a hug, “I don’tfeelanything for him and last night with him made me realise that.”
“Well there you go then, he didn’t really suit you anyway” Cara said pulling out of the hug.
“What do you mean?” I asked
“Well, he was always with you, we couldn’t just chill out you and me because he was always there like a bad rash, demanding your attention all the time, he was taking my best friend off me” she gave me a sheepish look and when I didn’t see anything she continued. “…and then when you argued with him and he’d upset you, I wanted to knock his block off for hurting you.” She shifted her gaze so she was looking down into her lap, still looking sheepish.
“Oh you silly girl,” I said pulling her into a hug, “No stupid boy could come between us, you’re my best friend and always will be, your more important to me than any lad ever could be.” I said speaking into her shoulder.
Cara and I had been best friends for years; we’d been though thick and thin and always stuck by each other. We were like bread and butter and no boy could come between us, no matter how hard they tried. Matt tried to come between us but it was short lived, I always stuck by the saying ‘chicks before dicks.’ Then it struck me, what Cara had said to me,‘loving a person should not be this hard it should be natural, not forced.’
My friendship with Cara had always been natural, we never really had to work at it, it just pieced itself together like a jigsaw and I loved Cara, I loved her as my best friend …. And more. She was the only person I could talk to about anything and I knew she would understand. The only person I could ever trust with my deepest darkest secrets. The only person I ever truly loved.
I pulled out of the hug and gazed at her, she was beautiful, her beautiful brown eyes were sparkling with tears. I wiped away a single tear which had slipped from her eye and was rolling slowly down her cheek. I brushed away a single strand of hair from her face then slowly, very slowly pressed my lips against hers.
It felt right.