Ignore this abomination. I am tired, I am lonely and I am trying to write about my life. It's personal but at the same time free for everyone. I think a lot of people must feel like this.
I dream of escape from the small, gloomy town of Grantham in Lincolnshire. The town itself had a lot of historical value and could claim that the likes of Sir Isaac Newton and Margaret Thatcher had gone to school here. The rest of the town lacked opportunities, both career-wise and in personal growth. It seemed to be the type of place that would suck the life out of you if you spent too much time here. It was easy to get caught up in sticking with what you know and not wanted to diverge from the comforts of your home town and avoid change at all cost. But the problem was, Grantham fucking sucked.
Before, I could say that I had my friends here but now I do not even have that. The few friends that I do manage to maintain have gone to University in different places. The one last person who claims to be my friend (but will quite freely ignore my friendship until she wants it) does not go out enough and does not invite me out enough for me to keep any form of true friendship going.
My job is here and my family is here. I do not want to be tied in one place though, I would much prefer to walk the world and find my way. I am a dreamer, always have been and always will be. I want to wander great mountains, get lost in glorious cities, and experience the rich and vibrant Earth in all of its glory. I swear sometimes I feel like jacking it all in; getting my money, getting on a plane and just GOING somewhere. In order to do that though I must save up and saving up is not my strong point.
I am a lone wolf; there is no doubt about it. Social situations make me uncomfortable and I am not good at anything. I am average in every sense possible. I cannot finish what I start; I lack motivation, enthusiasm and confidence in myself. I will condemn people quite rightly, I have no desire to maintain friendships with people I do not like and it feels like nobody really needs me. Literally the only people I have are my family. That’s it. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have them. If I didn’t I would go somewhere, I would go and get lost. Sometimes I catch myself wondering why people don’t like me but then shrugging it off and pinning it under ‘I couldn’t care less.’
Music brings me joy. But it depends what music it is.
Driving is something I enjoy. The best is getting on a fast road, really pressing the pedal down and speeding through the night with Aerosmith blasting out of the open windows. I like to see the lights of Grantham twinkling in the blackness that is true beauty. I love the night, am indifferent to the day. It’s the smallest things that bring me joy, such as the night. The smell of it is so fresh and glorious; the feel of the cold air against my skin makes me shiver with delight. I like to watch my breath mist out in front of me.
I am torn often, about what is beautiful and what isn’t. Sometimes I think the Earth is beautiful, other times I despair. Sometimes I think humans are wonderful, other times I think they are an abomination. Sometimes I feel fantastic, but other times I feel bad.
I like materialistic things as well though; money is a big one for me. I love money. I love spending it on things that make me feel rich and bring that moment of happiness. I love new items, I love parcels coming in the post (forgetting what I have ordered until I tear it open and remember that night I was feeling lonely and decided to browse ebay).
Sometimes I scroll through Facebook and tumblr aimlessly, not really taking anything in but at the same time getting het up over things that cannot be helped. Sometimes I want to stand up and make myself known, other times I feel like disappearing into a crowd, never to be seen again.
Is this what being human is?