Honestly, I didn't know I had become so against emotions.
I was just thinking about you.
He's seen me cry, he's seen me emotionally naked... why would he still want me after seeing all of these imperfections?
Then I got to thinking about when I was crying. I think I was afraid, to the core. I was so afraid of you seeing me cry. So weak. So defenceless. Emotional as I shouldn't be.
You were the one who should have been afraid, crying, upset.
Not me, no not me. I should have been the one comforting you not the other way around. What reason did I have to cry? Self-pity? Fear for you? Fear for myself?
There was no fear in those tears.
Not until you touched my shoulder. Not until you tried to tilt my head upwards.
When you tried to see the pitter-patter of the rainfall in my eyes, down my cheeks.
And then I was afraid.
You couldn't see how naked I was, how exposed I was.
I was so scared you would see them fall and you would know for sure, not just from a quiet sniff or a choked word... then you would know for sure, from tear-streaked cheeks and red eyes.
I couldn't let you see and so I ran.
I did not realise that in all this time I had been trying to build walls against the pain I did not want to feel, I'd built something shaky behind it too. So that when the day came that the walls would truly fall and I felt I did not need to worry about emotions any more because there was nothing to cry about: this shaky wall would still be there and thus when the emotions came it stayed put and it told me to run, to hide, to not let anyone know.
It wasn't when she told me she wanted to kill herself that I cried. I could deal with suicide.
It was a night when I lay next to her and she told me she was cold.. I told her that her skin was burning and she shivered in response so I took my warm shirt off and put it on her, I found her socks and put those on her and then I got into her bed and hugged her tightly until she slept.
And then, I cried.
Silently, so as not to wake her.
Always silent tears. That must have been when it started, with her and my silent tears so long ago..
I couldn't be silent with you.. it.. it hurt too much to stay silent..
Only happen when..
I couldn't help, I only made things worse..
You touched my shoulder and I flinched away from you..
I was a wounded animal and you were my owner, only wishing to help, only wishing to check the wound and make me better.
But it was you who made me cry.
Your careless wording..
But then, that's what you meant. So, not careless but honest...
Carelessly honest wording, like a knife to the chest.
You shoved the thorn in my paw and then you wanted me to trust you to remove it.
Now I wonder if I was scared of you seeing my emotions across my face or if I was just scared of you hurting me more..