Loving Anger~Mature

It's funny, we argued and straight after.. in fact, we hadn't even really stopped 'arguing' at this point.. but I turned to my mum and said "there's so much love between us" and proceeded to tell her about the way we just look at each other.. without needing to talk.. because there's just nothing to say, no way to explain what's in our heads - that's why I don't talk anyway, my mind can't put into words the way I feel..

It's as though it's too big.. the feeling. I can't say I love you because that's too.. well, small. We've been saying that since we started talking on msn! We were saying "I love you" before we were even together and so it just doesn't feel like enough..

That's why sometimes I end up going "IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou" because.. it's not enough!~

The trouble with me is that I am argumentative and that's the problem with anyone who dates me.. they're not.

I like to be fought..

I like people to yell at me and I like them to make me cry and I like to hurt.. (but only if it's all because they argued with me, not because they didn't)

It was a massive downfall of every relationship I've ever been in..
Especially recently..

Jacob didn't fight or argue, he didn't want to hurt people.
Matt had spent his life arguing with his mother, good had never come of that and so he didn't like to argue.
Claire, for lack of a nickname, did not like to argue or fight or anything.. it made her mad when I tried to argue with her and then she would generally just.. explode...

Jacob and I didn't actually have many problems.. and actually, he didn't like arguing but we did argue... all. the. time.

As for Matt, I got extremely upset with him when he didn't argue.. and mad. There were times when I would be yelling at him and he would be saying he loved me:
"I DON'T WANT YOUR F*CKING LOVE." And things of the likes would come blurted from my lips. It just.. it made me so mad. I didn't want to be told things would be okay, I didn't want apologies about the girl or explanations that nothing would ever happen.. I just wanted a fight. I wanted him to yell back at me because I didn't have the right to cry over the girl but I would have the right to cry over a fight.. that was how it felt.. but he wouldn't fight, he just apologised.. he just made me feel worse, blame myself more.. hoorah for self-loathing!

Claire and I really didn't fight.. the worst non-fight being the last one I remember... -sighs- she didn't like fighting. She was exactly like Matt.. and Jacob actually.. put them both together and that was her, she didn't want to hurt anybody and she felt they didn't help anyone..

But fights help me..
It's selfish but I like that I feel better after. After yelling and screaming and crying.. I feel better, I feel happier. And ultimately I feel closer to them.

Because they cared enough to fight me back.

That was always a massive problem..
"Isn't it worth it?"
Meaning aren't I worth it? Aren't we worth it?
Isn't what we have worth fighting for?

Downfall time.

Because when they didn't fight, that's what I thought..
They always said they didn't want to fight because they loved me but.. they didn't love me enough to fight for me?


And then there was guilt.. I felt so guilty for getting angry at them.. I just wanted them to get angry back.. to stop the guilt being quite so intense..

And then, on top of everything else, I do genuinely enjoy arguing..
I love the throwing insults back and forth, yelling, screaming, crying..
This is probably why Kitten and I get on so well, because we're both argument wh*res..
You've seen us fight right? I always turn around with a smile on my face.. I love it!

There's so much love in an argument..
That's probably why I argue with my mother so much~

Hate and love are very close emotions, my love. 

The End

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