Not Really To You-Mature

You wouldn't fake it, you wouldn't pretend.
But it plays on my mind.
A little niggling feeling and it's the same in another respect..

Would you pretend to sleep?
Would you pretend to dream?
Would you pretend to be afraid?
Would you pretend to not notice?
Would you pretend all of those things I'm thinking?

And I think no to all of them..
But then Shaun and.. I forget the other one.
You pretended then.
But that's so different..
Would you force me to feel? No.. no.. you wouldn't.. what would you gain? I already do feel..

Y-you know, she had them too.
I always say.. how alike you are..
She would wake up at night..

I'm so chilly..
I was cold last night.. I couldn't sleep and I was freezing.. I didn't want to wear more clothes though..

I think about you a lot.
I should write this all in one of my 'responses' but I don't know how to..
"Here is my response"
And the chapter part would just be made of spaces and dashes.
Not because I want to speak to you in Morse code..
Like the oil light..
Because it wasn't our fault we bombed Berlin.. -giggle- 

It makes me feel sick..

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date~"
I love that quote.

I lay on the floor and talked to myself like I used to. He made me do that, I've cried myself to sleep many a time on the floor in my room because of him...
"my fault" "not worth it" "you should never have" "so sorry" "why"

In the back of my mind "was it me?" "did I cause that?" "I heard my name, maybe.."
But time passes faster. So much could have happened. Maybe there was no relation.
But I heard my name.
And you know nothing about it.
Maybe normally..
Maybe it was just because..
That scares me, I'm scared I'm hurting you without either of us knowing.

I have two bruises on my legs, I don't know how or why, it's weird.

Had a bath and I still feel dirty. Yay. Going well.

I lost almost half a stone and my mum had a go at me for not eating which is unfair because I had breakfast and dinner today. And I'm going to go and eat some cheese now~

Cheese gives people nightmares, did you know that?

I could have easily written this in a 'letter'. It's hardly any different and it's all aimed at you anyway..

It's never given me nightmares. I don't remember the last nightmare I had and I always remember what I see when I sleep.. Some of it anyway.

Except yesterday.. but I barely even realised I slept.

I seem to know far more about Shaun than you.. that's probably a bad thing but in my defence I know two people who also know.. Shaun well.. and it kind of rubbed off on me.. the knowledge I mean.. well, and Shaun..

-facepalm- don't judge me!

This is where you don't know who Shaun is so it's pointless.. I have a vaguely good memory when it comes to completely unimportant things!

Much better than when it's important anyway..

Think that'll be it for tonight, it's past 2am... -sigh- 

The End

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