Firsts And Blurts.Mature

Chris was going to be my first kiss.
He was the first guy I ever cheated on..
Marley was my first boyfriend..
Hickford the first guy I claimed to love.
Marley's friend, the first guy I ever fancied while in a 'relationship'.
Marley's friend was my first fake boyfriend.. he never really wanted to be with me..
Devil was my first kiss.. and the first guy to undo my bra -chuckle- and do nothing about it.. what an innocent boy he truly was..
Devil was also the first guy I wanted when he 'loved' somebody else..
Peter was the first guy I turned down..
God was my first true male best friend..
I was Devil's first kiss..
I was Devil's first pass the polo partner.
I don't think I was his first anything.. though maybe I was.. he was my first dance partner in the snow.. happy memories..
He was my first perfect date..
Chris was my first date!
Matt was my first everything..
I was Matt's first everything..
Kitty was my first girl.. -chuckle-
I was never her first girl though.
Bea.. she was my first.. well.. taking from her femininity, she was my first nothing.
-sigh- she had at least had dry sex.. I was her first anything we did but that.
Rai was my first.. Rai was my first love.. the love I used to believe in..
Rai was my first man...
Rai was my first geek (I forget the definitions.. -looks up on urbandictionary- indeed, he was an extremely idiotic yet game loving geek.)
Chris was the first guy to want me back after I screwed him over
Chris was the first guy who, due to my actions, cut himself.
Cake is the first guy who's ever made me a better Catholic (te fuck?)
Cake is the first guy to make me nervous (I'm talking cr*p when I say that Rai had this effect on me, he didn't - I was natural with him because we were never more than friends in reality so there was nothing to be nervous about. Along with the fact that everything, underneath all of the loving cr*p, was wrong with that 'relationship' and frankly the fact that I couldn't even acknowledge that just proves there was nothing to be nervous about. Nothing was ever going to happen because it was so wrong and though I'd never admit it, that was always in the back of my mind keeping us apart. Thank God.)
I think Rai was the first guy to ever ask to marry me.
Chris was the first guy to guilt trip me into a relationship with him.
Chris was the first guy to make me spend months crying myself to sleep at night.
Chris was the first guy to break my heart.
Marley was the first boyfriend who never meant anything to me.
Loki was my first God-sent mistake.
Loki was my first full-on regret.
(He was my second.)
He was also my first rebound.
Chris  was the first 'heart' I 'broke'.

All these firsts.. in my mind..
All of it meant something to me, the ups and down and heart breaks and what have you.
My first date, my first kiss, my first time..
I'll not forget them.
That scares the cr*p out of me.

Cake..
F*ck.

"that means if you break up it'll be even worse because you'll have had all his firsts"
At least she'd had.. those..

I'm not anticipating anything.. I'm not expecting, waiting, worrying..

Yes I am, I am worrying..

I'm just..

I don't..

I;m so tired of hurting people..
But I'm not going to hurt you if.. I don't.. hurt you.. I think that's sort of obvious..

Oh, she really made me angry today.

And she doesn't even know it..

I want to kill you today..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be okay but today.. I want to cut your throat.

Okay.. the extremities are getting wilder..
I think I just.. I need to let out some of the anger somehow.. but I can't..

I just want to hurt you.. I really do.. that's it. I want you to be in pain..

I haven't wanted to defend someone like this so much in a while.. excluding the little boy and the glass..

Hurting you would make me feel better I think.. but it wouldn't really help anyone.

He is ill.
Have you no f*cking decency? 

-glares into the distance..- 

The End

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