Hell, everyone else shares their lives on here.. I may as well too.
My mum says she wonders way I take so long in the bathroom: it's because I ponder.
I sit on the floor and think.
And I make breakthroughs with my thoughts in the bathroom because it's just me and my thoughts, silence all around.
No msn, no youtube, no facebook or protagonize.
Nothing but me and my thoughts. Something which used to horrify me and now I'm so accustomed to them that they are almost becoming like friends. Family. A comforting blanket sheltering me from my loneliness.
My subject today: Cake. Or whatever we want to call him.
Well it started being him.
I started with thinking about.. in fact, I'm unsure of how my SoC started.. I guess that's the problem with not taking a laptop everywhere really.
At any rate, it went on to the comment he made... the question, rather.
In a sense, would I mind if he kisses me goodbye tomorrow. Today. It's a lot past midnight.
That got me thinking about how nervy I am..
I thought something about liking that I'm so nervous... that it is so different. Because I am different with him than I've ever been with anyone... except perhaps Rai.. but then Rai's different.. wait, f*ck.. Rai was the whole age thing so is that my head trying to tell me that the difference is the fact that he literally makes me feel young? That I feel younger than him and that is why he makes me so nervous? That doesn't even make sense. Shut up Lucy.
At any rate, excluding him from my thoughts, I went on to generally thinking about how nervous he makes me..
After a lot of thought (including massive mental debates - shockingly I don't actually talk to myself out loud - such as "he is so much better than me - why would he want to be with the bad student, the one who doesn't do the work, the one who doesn't care about school, the one who is always behind, the one who is not going to get the grades she wants because she doesn't put any effort in when he is practically the opposite in every manner of speaking?") I came to the conclusion that my problem is my lack of trust. Because frankly - ignoring all the bullsh*t which comes from my mouth when I talk about the trust I have and how I have too much and bla bla bla shut the f*ck up - I don't trust a soul. Never have, maybe never will.
My way of proving that I trust everyone is "look, I tell everyone my secrets and therefore I am extremely trusting". No. That is not how it works.
For a start, I expect my secrets to be told. I tell people, expecting the whole world to know in seconds.
Then there is the fact that I usually tell my secrets by accident meaning that I don't care whether I trust them or not when I tell them because I am not thinking about the secret and how likely it is that they'll keep it, I'm thinking "get this damn secret out of my brain."
And lastly, I thrive on attention. I am an attention whore. Therefore the secrets I do tell, on purpose, with actual intention - I likely told because I wanted them to be spread.
Point proven, I trust no one.
Everyone is going to betray me, everyone is going to hurt me, everyone is going to screw me over ~ generally my response to this is "QUICK! Do it first."
~Going back a bit in my train of thought, I was thinking about what I see when I look at him and realised this is probably part of my problem too. (Oops. That sounds slightly racist.. it wasn't meant to...)
When I first 'met' him, whenever that happened to be (this is before he had ever spoken to me, before I knew he wasn't Raj from Big Bang... Oh, I also came to the conclusion that he is Leonard because I said/thought something which sounded like Penny and Raj never dated her.. along with the fact that I've never noticed Cake sleeping with random girls or, for that matter, being incapable of talking to girls unless drunk...)... I looked up to him. I looked at him and thought he is the epitome of the person I wish I could be. I was and still am, completely jealous of him and his life and... just... everything. And I was (and still am) a little in awe I guess.. of his life. The way he is, just.. Well, everything about him.
But that hasn't gone away. And that is a problem.
Why would someone who, in my eyes, seems to have everything... want me?
So I can't do anything to him.
I can't hug him,
I can't kiss him,
I can't do anything he can do because I do not understand why me... no matter how he views himself, he's too perfect to me...
And I do not understand why I would be approved.
I do not understand why he would.. reciprocate anything I would dare to do...
So I panic and push myself away.. in a metaphorical manner, I don't physically push myself away.. for a start, that'd look really stupid...
I don't trust anyone and I am too afraid of his greatness to bloody kiss him.
I'm a mess.