ALL MY SECRETS - one thousand silver wintersMature

One thousand silver winters

There are a lot of sentiments the last few days and I'm not trying to compete or match, I just wanted to say that recently, it snowed. I was having a hard time, because I have so many decisions to make and I am so exhausted by trying to do too many things with my 24 hours a day. You used to remind me that it was okay not to do everything - that I could, in my life, achieve just what I wanted. You told me that autumn when the seasons spluttered and I ripped up my entire novel, that I should finish crying then, if I wanted, I didn't have to go to university. I could stay home, get a job and write my stories instead.

It isn't fair that the following summer this happened. But that's the way it is and I'm not complaining because it could have been worse and I could have lost EVERYTHING. Sometimes it feels like I lost everything that day that hovered on the fence between spring and summer: when you were lying there all dressed in white and sleeping, I felt detached from myself. How would I EVER heal? How would I go to university now? How would I survive in Paris at my summer job in Disney? How could I get married? How could I write my books when you were one of the first person what encouraged me to share them with you and the rest of our family? How would I go home as three people when I left it as four?

I don't know how we did it, but I know that we are getting out of bed every day and going to work and school and Mum, you know, she has been so many different kinds of rock that I should study geology just to understand how she's doing it. I crashed immediately - George took longer, and we're still waiting for the other quarter of your heart to break. But I don't think she will yet - she misses you and loves you and wants you back but she has us, and we have her and for now, that HAS to be enough.

The world hurts, Dad, and you know that. You won't see many things that happen to us in the future, at least not in person. But does that mean we should deny ourselves of those things that once made us smile? No, it doesn't. Does it mean we should turn our happy days into sad ones because we feel guilty that you aren't here to share in our joy? No, it doesn't. 

Does it mean that, on a sad day we should stay in bed and ignore the world? - Yes, on a rare occassion. Yes. But not every day and not too often, because it could become habitual and in the long run that wouldn't be helpful.

I learn fast but this has been a struggle. I'm not used to feeling out of control, I've gotten used to being a confident, self-assured, courageous girl that you spent eighteen and a half years teaching me to be. If I didn't absorb your advice in that time then now, when this year I shall be 21, I have your wisdom inside my bones and your infallible love for live in my heart. And in my soul?

One thousand silver winters, crisp and cold and beautiful, the silent layers of snow waiting for me to dig them up so I can let in the sunshine and be healed.

The End

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