After-Thought

My entire life I have been treated as second best. 

 

When I was little, I cried to my Daddy because I didn't understand why Mommy didn't love me. I didn't understand why she didn't do my nails with me, teach me how to cook, or talk to me. Did she not love me; was I not the daughter she always pictured? Was there something wrong with me that caused her to shy away from bonding time? Why did she not want to help me, why did she not hold me when I cried?

Now I understand it's because she loved my brother most. 

After church, I would approach my childhood best friend only to be treated as if I didn't exist because she had brought a friend with her. She refused to talk to me when she was with her boyfriend, wouldn't acknowledged my presence when with other friends. Yet when she was alone with me she would laugh and carry on with me as if I were her only friend in the world.

Now I understand it's because I refused to bow to her standards.

Struggling in school, I did my best but it was never good enough. While my friends proudly proclaimed their achievements and grades, I kept silent because I had gotten a B on my last quiz and was falling farther and farther behind in Math. The shame that engulfed me was enough to silence my lips. Nobody understood how difficult it was to do homework when your family was falling apart. 

Now I understand that because I was surrounded by bright people, it made my own stupidity all the much harder to accept. 

My best friend was loved by everyone, considered by all their best friend. She didn’t realize how much she was loved, how many  people fough for her attention. She loved everyone, but her sweetheart the most. When they were together, I was but an after-thought in her mind. She didn’t actively work at our friendship, didn’t seek out my company, and no matter how much I fought our relationship is grew shallower. And that terrified me beyond reason.

Now I understand it's because I tried too hard and she grew bored of me.

When I needed help the most, I was neglected. When I asked for advice, I was pushed to the side. Though I was crying out for guidance, it was given to others. I was the last to be asked “How are you today?” and the first to be told that it wasn’t a big deal. My emotions, my thoughts, and my feelings weren’t a big deal in comparison to what was being felt by another.

Now I understand that maybe I am a mere afterthought to the minds of all whom I love.

Let me tell you a secret-the only person who has ever loved me as their favorite is now dead. I have broken his heart. He loved me so much that when I rejected his love and denied his pleas for my company he became incapable of living. I was his life support, his heartstrings, and his favorite. I have killed a man through denying him my love.

Now I understand that maybe I am getting what I deserve for abusing the favoritism I once received. 

The End

3 comments about this exercise Feed