We apologize for the temporary delay in our service. As always, we are devoted to bringing you the valuable advice you seek, and we recognize that our Addvice Column personnel issues are not your problem, even though we habitually make it our problem to constantly listen to all of your petty crap.
This may not come as a surprise to some of our regular readers, but one of our advice givers-- Birkoff-- has gone missing. The sharper among you may have noticed his tendency to be crass and vulgar, particularly with the ladies. It has come to our attention, and simultaneously to the attention of everyone who reads this column, apparently, that a certain group of bikers has set out to teach him a lesson.
As it happens, we are indifferent to the outcome of their plight, and in fact there are certain staff members among us-- not to mention names, because that's technically against the "anonymous" part of the rules, BIRKOFF-- who would love to see a successful Birkoff-bashing. However, there is one minor issue that we feel must be addressed; namely, the address that he so readily gave out in a recent advice column, was, unfortunately, the address of Addvice Column HQ.
This is, of course, not something that we had ever intended to reveal to the public, but we feel it necessary to do so now, in order to point out to any bikers and/or angry mobs that:
A) Birkoff is not here, and
B) Any opinion expressed by a member of our faculty is the sole opinion of that faculty member, and does not represent the official position of the Addvice Column or its management, staff members, or unpaid interns.
To reiterate, Birkoff is no longer here. He has been replaced by a bum we found outside by the dumpster. It was a last-minute appointment, but he's fitting in just fine so far. We assure you that he will not do whatever it was that Birkoff did to anger you.
We would like to further point out that the Addvice Column is intended to be a humorous journal, and as such, there is a significant probability that Birkoff didn't actually mean any of the horrible things he presumably said. (I personally have never read any of the advice columns as I find all of its readers to be self-centered idiots.)
Addvice Column General Manager