Dear Waitress Without Rent Money,
Birkoff is just a fake name I use to make people think the word "jerk off" in their head subconsciously, like subliminal messaging so I can try to tap into their inner weakness… catch them off guard and make them feel guilty, etc. Everybody loves jerking off, it's just a fact of life, as I'm sure you know being a waitress, no offense.
To answer your question, it's not that I wasn't tipping, so much as it was that you weren't giving me any vibes, and your cleavage, how shall we say this, was a bit weaker than what I've come to expect from the good people at the Red Lobster franchise. The cheese rolls were delicious as always, but I feel like that probably didn't have much to do with you. If you'd like to prove yourself worthy, feel free to come to my house and make me cheese biscuits any time, 213 Floruks Lane, Apartment D-2. The door's kind of hard to see but it's right behind the big green shed. That's D-1.
If you're looking for rent money, I've got room for two extra in my bed, no charge.
That is assuming of course that your +1 is hotter than you no offense.