Kurt Sainsbury; No-nonsense and Imaginative ContradictionMature

Hi there, my name is Kurt. I used to call myself dropout Kurt, deadbeat Kurt, useless Kurt, or some other kind of derogatory Kurt. Then I grew up, and realised I had potential, so I exploited it.
Now I'm successful, rich, and I’ve moved out to an amazing city. I call it Retro city, people call me insane… at least I'm the one with a career!

One thing eluded me however… friendship… companionship. I had everything I ever dreamed of when growing up in a council estate, yet the one thing I was that I didn’t plan for was lonely.
I was lonely, before I came to Retro city, and after. And then I met James in a nightclub, he was getting into some trouble with some drunk dudes, and I chased them off. (Admittedly by offering them $100 each, but James doesn’t need to know that.)


So Mr Mann and I became friends, and that escalated into best friends. I met his girlfriend Amelia, and then I met her friend Cosette, and we hit it off. Now I’ve got what I really wanted, companions, friends, a real family even if we’re not connected by blood.
Of course, good things never come in bunches. I love my work, don’t get me wrong, I get to see films months before they’re released, I get to have conversations in other languages, and I get some really good money out of it.

Slight problem is that it’s eating up my time. I never have time left for them anymore, and it’s putting a strain on me and Cosette, seeing as how she focuses on her family’s business most of the time. We never get any us time.


And then there was the creep of a man eavesdropping on James’ and mine conversation last night, then told us our girls could be unfaithful, and made a bet of something.
James wants to tie the knot at 20, 20! I know right? Very young. 23 the earliest but please, do try to control your hormones in future?

So I took the bet, and now I have to try to get Amelia to fall in love with me, and James with Cosette. Don’t know why I did this; I have no time to play games as it is! But I made a bet, and a bet I shall win.


Enough about me anyway, it’s time to show you lot how I'm gonna make this work! So rather unfairly to James, I have money on my side for disguises, and plenty of things to get the job done.
Imagine a bachelor’s house; I have a waterbed, a swimming pool, a games room, a movie room, several kitchens, several lounges, the love room, and the Bat Cave (where I keep all my comics, anime, and weapon collection.)

I had a voice house command system installed a few months ago, and I still love the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s voice telling me the milk is low, or that Agnes from down the road called to see if I had seen her missing cat. Opening doors, answering calls, turning things off and on, all at the step of a single command!

What else do I have? Oh yes I have an extensive library with it all filled with great and bestselling books of all eras. Twilight is nowhere near to be seen, garbage like that deserves to rot in hell.
I have a study room where I do all my homework, and a computer room where I have the latest in all internets producing technology. Prefer just to have a laptop on my bed though.

I don’t have any pets, can’t have cats because they’ll make me sneeze the place into oblivion. Fish are boring. Dogs, or as I like the call them; scourge of the earth, are not allowed anywhere near my house. Scary, freaky, traumatising, stupid dogs!
Although I do have a mountain of letters in my study, each one of them a reject for owning a license to own a monkey. Something about being young, immature, haven’t lived in country long enough, all kinds of stuff.

Mark my words though, one day I’ll have me an orang-utan, and I shall call him Clyde and I shall wuv him so and together we will cause Cosette many headaches! Ahh but that is just a distant dream, and I have this bet to focus on now!
So anyways, I have called in an expert designer called Russell, and he says he can turn me into a fabulous stranger. I had to specify no glitter though, freaking twilight.

But in any case, that’s my crib! Hope you liked, but don’t you dare contact MTV! The day I want an army of pregnant teens and stupid idiots knocking on my door looking to pimp my ride (which is already pimped out to the max!) is the day I hug a puppy.
Oh god just thinking about those deranged furry monsters gives me the Goosebumps…



“So Kurt, you ready to look ssspectacular!?” Russell said with a twirl. He had spiky blonde hair, quite lanky, and skinny.

“I guess so; remind me why I'm doing this?” I asked.

“So that you can check that Cosette is your super special one! Oh I can just picture it now! White doves, ringing bells, and the dresses! Oh god the dresses! I want one now Kurt! I want it now!” Russell said with growing flamboyancy.

“You want a dress?” I asked.

“To make, silly! Alright, you ready for your ssspectacular makeover!?” Russell went on.

“Alright, just don’t make me look like one of those Robert Pattinson look alike freaks. I get enough unwanted female attention from gold diggers and shallow people because of my position; I don’t want to add droves of screaming 12 year olds to that list. Speaking of which I’ve seen the last film, the one that hasn’t been released yet; it’s terrible” I voiced my concern.

“Oh Robert… one day his heart will be all mine…” Russell said dreamily and he began to comb by brown hair.

6 hours later I looked in the mirror. That was it? I looked no different! My hair was shaped differently and my skin had more colour, but that’s nothing compared to the whole! I looked the same as I did before!

“Russell, I'm supposed to be in disguise!” I complained.

“And you are? Who are you, you handsome man?! Oh it’s you Kurt! You look so different I could barely tell it was you!” Russell played, I was not amused.

“Jesus! I’ll take care of it myself, gotta be some old props and stuff around here somewhere… or maybe I could hire MI5 to erase her memory…? Russell, do you know how much international spies and saboteurs go for the open market?” I asked as my mind wondered.

“Nope, but makeup artists charge robbery prices. But since I like you so much, I’ll give you a 70% discount! That’ll be $700 please” Russell said whilst extending his hand for the money.


Bloody hairdressers and makeup artists…



Ok a fake moustache, black hair dyed, a top hat, and iris colours to change my eyes to green. I left my Bat Cave to observe myself in the mirror; I thought I looked rather dashing in my black suit. Just then I heard the doorbell ring, I liked doing things myself so I had no maids or butlers to answer it, so I went myself.

I opened it up to see James standing there; and it took him precisely 7 seconds before he burst out into laughter. I tapped my foot impatiently waiting for him to stop.

“You look ridiculous! I’ve never seen you like that!” James managed to say through his laughter.

“What’s wrong with it?” I asked him, looking down at my body.

“You’re still dressed like you! You look like the guy from monopoly! Amelia would recognise you right away if you met her like that! James explained as he held his sides.

“Well I don’t really have anything else…” I muttered.

James managed to get control of his self and stood up straight. “Alright lets go get you some clothes, you can get my exact opposite in clothes too, some stylish. Cosette appreciates effort I think” he said.

“Alright, what car do you want to drive?” I asked him.

“You only have the one Lexus dude” he said rolling his eyes.

“To the untrained eye by friend, but today, it can be the Bat Mobile! All it takes is a little imagination!” I said whilst grabbing his shoulder and using my other hand to reach out into the sky.

“Last time you had the Bat Mobile you lost 3 points on your license, you can’t afford to do that again. You know? For somebody who is very arrogant and no-nonsense all the time, you certainly have a creative imagination” James speculated with a grin.

“Fine, forgive me if I treat real life seriously and my dreams with enthusiasm” I said sadly.


We went down into the garage, and hopped in my Lexus convertible. I drove off whilst playing Ring of Fire on the radio, James and I singing along.

The End

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