10 Things You'd Tell Urself re:Writing

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1. Say what you need to say in as few words as possible.

2. Self expression is for e-mails.

3. Vodka consumption makes all of your thoughts more colorful, but severely inhibits your ability to communicate them.

4. Read your work out loud to yourself--if you stumble at all, go back and make repairs.

5. If you can bring yourself to cut a passage of text you're madly in love with for the greater good of the piece, you are doing God's work.

6. Humor is best served with a side order of sadness.

7. Know your enemy, his name is Television.

8. Know your other enemy, his name is Couch.

9. Don't talk about "being a writer" to pedestrians or coworkers unless you enjoy outlandishly awkward conversations. You'd be better off telling them your left foot is actually a lobster. (Besides, you're not a real writer anyway. You've never been paid.)

10. Don't write to escape from reality, write to help yourself deal with reality better.

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