dark_muse

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I am a bit of a paradox, I suppose.  I am always seeking; seeking information, knowledge, spiritual paths; yet I live a very ordinary life, if such a life truly exists! I once juggled many hats: mother, wife, daughter, working (out of the home) woman, child care coordinator, summer camp coordinator, music, dance, and swimming lessons coordinator, all these coordinator positions were a house of cards, ready at any moment to collapse because the day had changed its policy on picking up the children, the summer camp had to change the weeks of the session due to a flood, it was thought that one of the three children might do better in a different class--held at a different time, or the same but at a different pool....All this was for me to wave my magic wand and coordination would ensue, hopefully.  

The roles of mother, wife and daughter got all jumbled into each other over family birthdays and  religious and social holidays. For almost thirty years I kept up this frenetic schedule. Then one day, I found myself voluntarily stepping over the "great divide" of a "locked psychiatric wall.  I was terrified. I had seen "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" and "Girl Interrupted"....Two things held me together, my wonderful Family Doctor, a woman of great compassion, common sense, and knowledge, who had asked me to voluntarily commit myself to save myself and the kindness and reassurance of my great friend, a mum who had gone through K-12 with our children and all that fellow feeling  and laughter that goes along with that. She was also a spiritual councillor  another local hospital. She had perspective. she gently said that she had done a rotation at my psych ward and she remembered it as a good place. She also had the wise response, when I told her at her first visit, that my biggest fear was going through all this and then slipping back. She looked around the cheerful curtains, tired but comfy chairs, and the busy, yet pleasant nurses, and she replied, "Well, I guess you just come back." It was said so matter-a-factly that I felt my shoulders relax for the second time sine I crossed the chasm between us and them.

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