a cat from the United States

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"Where men can't live, gods fare no better." -The Road by Cormac McCarthy

Well, cat’s a gentleman, to be sure, and does not suffer fools gladly. In English, this means you either shut up or go away, preferably both. In fact, unless you have something meaningful to contribute to her life (this means a well-written Sherlock Holmes fanfic with gay undertones, or something of the sort), you would be better off throwing yourself bodily into a fragile rack of glass baubles and the like. Also, it should be noted that touching cat bodily before establishing a proper relationship is akin to sliding down a slide made of cheese graters, slathered in Tabasco sauce and with a terrible sunburn. Naked. Not a very good idea, is the main point I’m trying to make here. Of course, such an act would likely win her friendship, as cat finds pain to be highly amusing.
On a side note, if you happen to see cat wearing a pair of green, rather flamboyant headphones, on no account should you TOUCH THE HEADPHONES. NO. Cat guards it as though it were a horcrux, which might not be the worst thing to call it. This applies also to cat's various children, known to the rest of the world as cats, and harming one will bring the wrath of Hell upon you and your loved ones. At the merest provocation she would roll you up, stick you in her pocket and smoke you after dinner. Your ass would be grass, in a manner of speaking. Very fine grass, loaded with THC and various flavors, all adding up to a highly desirable variation of the more commonly used pot.
Cat has a touch of voyeurism about cat, and the merest mention of Holmes will instigate phantasmagorical hallucinations, especially in the context of Robert Downey Jr. To observe her wax poetic about these men is rather vulgar to behold, due to the context in which perfectly ordinary language is used.
Flattery is key when dealing with Cat, and can mean the difference between life and non-existence. Cat seems to believe for some deluded reason that cat is terrible at both writing and drawing, and as cat is neither you must tell cat as much. Otherwise such pieces would no longer be forthcoming, and that, my acquaintance, would be a terrible shame.

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